Why not me?

I have been hearing so many stories of breast cancer survivors that are cancer free for 5, 10, 20 or more years.  Right now that just seems so impossible to me.  I have been consumed with breast cancer and all the crap that goes with it for nine months now.  It really messes with your head.

It's hard to focus on the possibility of being cancer free as with breast cancer there is no cure.  I was stage 1 and not one doctor used the word "curable" with me.  That is hard to swallow.  It is hard to digest that you will never be cured.  You can never just say "well, that's over with - thank God."  This is something I have to live with forever. 

I am trying to come to a place where I can move forward with my life and not be so consumed with breast cancer.  I am not sure how to do that as it is a very real possibility it can come back.  I keep thinking about those women that are lucky enough to be cancer free for years or the rest of their life and then I think "why not me too?"  I can be cancer free for years too.  I have to keep telling myself that.  It's hard to stay focused on that, but it's what I want more than anything. 

I use to be scared about growing old.  Now I am scared I won't get to grow old.  I want to see my son grow up, go to high school, drive a car, go to college, get married and have kids.  I want to grow old with my husband and return to Italy on our 30th wedding anniversary to visit the place we were married.  I want to retire and move south and enjoy warm winters.  Other breast cancer survivors get to do that.  Why not me?