Am I OK?

The other day I was at the gym and ran into a friend I no longer really see anymore.  She works part time so for her to see me at the gym during the day she wondered what was going on (since I usually work full time).  She has seen me there a few times now during the day and before I pawned it off and made excuses.  This time I felt like I had to say something since I really should have been at work if I was not on short term disability due to breast cancer. 

The conversation was so awkward for me.  She has no idea I have breast cancer and I had no desire to tell her.  I still have my hair so that part is not obvious.  My breasts were a small size B before and now they are a size C with awful looking tissue expanders until I get my permanent implants next month.  I have a port in my arm but if I keep my arm down you wouldn't notice it.  So when she asked what was going on with work I just said "oh, I had some surgery and I have been off".  She asked of course what type of surgery....I could not bring myself to tell her so I said "oh nothing I want to talk about".  She said "well, you are OK, right?".   I really didn't know what to say.  I wanted to say "no, I will never be OK".  I really had to stop myself from being honest. I said "oh, yea, I am OK" but I could not even look her in the eyes when I said it.

After we ended our conversation and she walked away I kept thinking to myself "am I OK?".  I am so scared about cancer coming back.  Now that I am no longer focused on treatments I have more time to worry about this stuff.  I am so damn angry that I got breast cancer.  I will never be "OK" knowing this can come back and take my life at any time.  I don't know how to live like this for the rest of my life.  I am scared.  I cried yesterday for the first time in weeks.  It's just not right.  I feel so betrayed, angry, cheated and scared.  The thought of not being here to raise my son breaks my heart.  I can't imagine saying good bye to him one day. 

I keep wondering when it will strike again.  Will it be two years?  Five years?  Ten years?  How much can I do in ten years?  Will I live until my son is ten, fifteen, twenty?  Will I ever see him graduate, drive a car, get married?  I don't know how to not think about this stuff all the time.  I am truly scared.  I don't even know how to talk about these things with friends or family.  I spend so much time convincing them that I am OK, I can't bring myself to share my inner fears and scary thoughts with them.  I feel so alone in this no matter how many people are around me and supporting me because there is so much I am to afraid to say out loud, let alone to the people I love. 

I hate breast cancer.  It is a evil, sneaky disease that can shake you to the core.