Surgery is two days away. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't want that day to come, but I just want it over with. I am still scared but feel a little more peace inside somehow. I am not sure why really. I guess I have gotten to some type of acceptance with what will be.
Today I am just trying to get things done before surgery. I remember before my son was born, I was nesting and doing all kinds of things around the house last minute. I find myself doing the same things now too. I went to the book store today and picked up a few books on breast cancer that were referred to me (The Anti-Cancer Lifestyle and Foods That Fight Cancer). I also picked up a copy of a book that has all the details of breast cancer as a reference. I came home and made my favorite veggie mini crustless quiches - all organic for breakfasts and popped them in the freezer for the coming weeks. I am making chicken and roasted veggie soup tonight to pop in the freezer. I love soup especially since it's so cold here.
I started to get my body ready too. I colored my hair, painted my toenails (like anyone is going to see them anyway) and plan to paint my fingernails tonight after my son is in bed. I am getting everything organized in my bedroom and brought up an extra card table for post surgery supplies (peroxide, q-tips, gauze, post OP instructions and books). I even borrowed a wedge pillow from my sister so I can rest and sleep comfortably in my bed.
Last weekend my husband and I painted the bedroom a nice Tuscan gold color. It's soothing but a little bold. It brings life into our bedroom. Tomorrow I am sewing curtains...yes, sewing curtain panels. My husband already installed the new blinds and the curtain rod so all is ready for my curtain panels.
I feel so odd looking at my body. I look at my breasts and I don't know what to feel. Soon, they will be gone. I don't know whether to be sad or not. They are part of me, but I never "loved" my breasts. They are smaller....a small B or what I call an A+. I have always wanted them to be a little bigger, but then again I am a smaller person so I guess they are proportional. I have always accepted them and it made it easier to workout without bouncing all over the place. I hate to lose part of my body, a part of me, but that's what has to happen now. I just feel strange that I will never see my original body anymore. I feel a sense of loss and wonder if I will have regret. I also wonder if I will remember what my body looked like before. I finally decided to take photos today. I took photos of my breasts. It was odd.....I have never done anything like this before! I just felt like a part of me wants to remember what I looked like before this all happened. I don't know if I will ever look at those photos again or not, but at least I have them. I don't know if it gives me any more peace or not, it just felt like something I had to do.
As I look in the mirror, I hold my breasts and cradle them a bit. I just can't believe that my small, insignificant breasts betrayed me this way. They are just breasts when I look at them but I feel like they are full of poison and toxic. I never thought in a million years I would be faced with this. I continue to walk one step at a time forward on this scary breast cancer path and still can't believe this is my life.
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